Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.
Now that we found our 6th consecutive 4th team member, and have officially been accepted into the Reno 24 Hours of LeMons race, work has progressed steadily both on the car and getting the team ready for the race. A steady stream of boxes has been arriving every morning, full of the required safety gear.
After receiving our official acceptance letter (WHOO-HOO!) a team email was sent out to team members saying “Pay Up Sucker! Last one to pay wears the Dancing Bee Costume.” Also listed was the following small text warning: “A sense of humor is MANDATORY, and stupid nicknames WILL be assigned.”
To that end, let me introduce our drivers;
“Lurch”: (Chris) A tall strange man who I have worked and traveled with for quite a few years now. His qualifications are simply that he has a proven ability to hold his bladder while driving intensely for many hours on end, often without hitting anything. Oh, and he signs my paychecks and does a mean BBQ, Wife is a superb pastry chef. In order to fit him in the car, the seat will need to mounted so low the rest of us can't see over the steering wheel. What could possibly go wrong?
“Chuck”: (Brandon) As in Norris. Aka Brother in Law. On the team partly because he is married to my sister in law, and rumored to be made of pure Kryptonite. Has spoken of having MUCH track time, and being a worldwide contender for best driver EVER. (May have secretly mentored the Stig). Also a 3x Neon belt Ninja, Army Ranger, and in fact - most heroic characters in action movies are loosely based on his life. His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries. Bonus skill; Answers unasked questions with remarkable accuracy.
“Hey WOW man”: Last name Chong. Artist. Blows Glass. Builds and races carts, Loves BBQ. Claims to be involved with many aspects of behind the scene racing… uh… stuff. Sounds unfocused and fishy to me. But hey, we met him at random in a Clamper bar, so that’s good enough for me. Only team member safe from wearing the dreaded “last to pay-up” costume.
“Sparky”: (Pete) as in “Sparky from Speed Racer” Team Capitan’. Yours Truly. Only qualifications… able to hold bladder for LONG periods of time, well versed in living with the Lucas Electrical systems found on MGBs and other fine British makes (Dim, flicker and dark – all you need to know). NEARLY a 24 Hours of LeMons veteran. Obsessed with filling garage full of obscure car parts, “Just in case”. Loves his crappy old RV. Bonus: Will have the only functioning fleet of vehicles after a nuclear war, and nearly all have wing windows.
“Squeeky”: Team Manager: “Cute-fluffy-pants-who-puts-up-with-A-LOT-spouse”. The brains of this outfit who keeps this whole mess moving forward. Makes me walk the dog in the middle of the night. Also makes a KICK-ASS spicy spaghetti!
“Chowderhead”: Team Mascot. A former Rescue Shelter Dog (frequent flier). Has defect in brain. Won’t be participating in any race festivities due to alleged brain defect and subsequent liability issues. Loves to chase concrete squirrel statues, bikes, strollers, cars, joggers, trees, telephone poles, airplanes, moon, tail, leaves, grass… can catch a mean crop of grass. Known to freak out from breathing too much oxygen.
And so there you have it. The whole mess.
Names have been changed to deliberately reveal the guilty parties.
(No concrete squirrel statues were harmed in the making of this blog entry. Batteries not included, hurry while supplies last, do not attempt at home, EVER.)
Next: An ode to my fuzzy little companion
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